July 22nd, 2009 (04:29 pm)
current mood: contemplative
current song: Rebel Girl- Bikini Kill
So, I just got back from an inpatient psych. stay yesterday. I took an overdose of 50 extra strength tylenol (on July 13th) and was on a medical floor (Intermediate care, step above ICU) for two days. It is a horrible thing to experience and if anyone is ever thinking of doing that kind of thing it is absolutely *dreadful*. I vomited for 6 straight hours in the ER, had to have a catheter and had so many IVs I couldn't keep track of them. The psych. unit did almost absolutely nothing to help me; I self harmed twice while there and they didn't really do crap about it. The psychiatrist there did not listen, or give a shit about any of his patients so long as he could shove them out the door as soon as possible. He tried to discharge me twice before ready; once even though I said I was having suicidal ideations, and another time when I had self harmed that day and also said I wished that the ambulance had never been called. I finally just pulled it together enough to get the hell out of there and get back to my outpatient team who can actually help me. I now am having severe difficulties with eating, seeing as how I was on a liquid diet for three/four days and am kinda traumatized from all the throwing up (the only reason I did mind the vomiting[and didn't find some sort of bulimic happiness from it] was because I had no control over it and it was just bile and was exhausting to heave for so many hours). I am now restricting like crazy and have a lot of anxiety after eating, even including panic attacks due to it. My liver is doing fine, luckily, and I am happy for that;having liver failure is not one of my aspirations. Emotionally things are kinda a mess. I go back and forth between feeling so lucky to be alive and then feeling like a failure (weird, I know..) because I couldn't even kill myself correctly. It's really hard. I'm also having a lot of problems with new parts, and their thoughts of the body being invicible and their attempts to push the limits. Anyhow, I'm home and alive.