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struggle2live [userpic]

(no subject)

May 5th, 2010 (01:15 am)
anxious

current mood: anxious

So, it's been a while since my last post. I'm having a horrible night, I can't sleep and I cut for the first time in over a week. I have to find a good time to tell my mom, I just couldn't do it tonight and I think she needed a break from worrying. I am feeling super anxious tonight as well. So, I sit and type at 1 in the morning. The ED is doing shitty too. I felt so good after seeing my new therapist for the first time yesterday and it all but too quickly wore off. Happiness for me is so temporary these days, I only get an hour here and there. I miss feeling good. I dunno what to do :/







-Mollie

struggle2live [userpic]

Damn.....

January 14th, 2010 (07:39 am)
awake

current mood: awake
current song: Lily Allen- The Fear

I've been up ALL night. Not tired at all, tossed and turned and NOTHING. Not even a yawn... I don't know what the hell is going on, but I'm scared of some sort of impending mania. At least I got to watch the sunrise. I don't know when I will crash (if I will crash) today, am supposed to go to my friend's house at 10am or so. Yikes.

struggle2live [userpic]

(no subject)

December 14th, 2009 (05:43 pm)
crappy

current mood: crappy

So, I went IP the day after that last post. I was in for almost 3 months. Feeling awful again and hoping that it won't end up in another IP sort of thing. I've been having seizures again lately which is very taxing on me, and I have to have a video EEG study done for a week at the University of Maryland Epilepsy center sometime soon. I haven't purged since friday but the temptation is so strong.. the cutting stuff is really getting to me too. It's like I'm physically itching to do it, like there's something under my skin I need to cut out. I hate this miserable feeling. Making an attempt at recovery from self harm and my eating disorder is proving to be almost impossible. I really, really hate this urge-y feeling. It's like I need to do something *now* to make it stop. No one is home either...



-Mollie

struggle2live [userpic]

(no subject)

September 14th, 2009 (06:39 pm)
lethargic

current mood: low
current song: Angels & Airwaves- Start The Machine

things are feeling completely awful right now. i am trying so hard to just sit with the overwhelming purging and self harm impulses. crying seems to be okay for now, weird as that sounds. having a lot of anxiety and ideations... but think im okay. dunno. it all just sucks. in this moment everything hurts. i just want out. not permanently, just for a little while. ugh.

struggle2live [userpic]

(no subject)

August 11th, 2009 (01:37 pm)
tired

current mood: tired
current song: Lady Gaga (LOL)

Blah, *still suffering from whatever weird chest muscle and back thing I did to myself*. Hurts :( Sucks. Am trying to "take it easy". Have been really easily fatigued lately, and feeling sick (nausea, dizziness, headache...). It's no fun. I've also been struggling with self injury this week, I had two episodes of cutting (the deep kind o_O). Am trying really hard to hide it from my mom and I have to lie to my therapist about it tomorrow. I'm trying to keep up on drinking enough water, might try a little gatorade later. Well, off to take a rest. <3

struggle2live [userpic]

(no subject)

July 31st, 2009 (04:20 pm)
depressed

current mood: depressed

<sigh> Therapy is not going well (at least from my point of view). It's not going the direction I want it to, and I feel like my t doesn't want to work with me anymore. She seems like she's going back and forth between being angry with me and really wanting to help. I feel like she wishes she could just send me away and have me living in some state institution. It's depressing. Tonight is one of those low, crappy nights... blah. I just want to sleep but then I'll be up all night-. I don't know what to do.

struggle2live [userpic]

(no subject)

July 30th, 2009 (05:08 pm)
pissed off

current mood: pissed off

I'm feeling really frustrated tonight... my mom is bumming money and bitching to me about things that don't concern me. I'm sick of this family, of just being a fucking bank to my brothers when my mom doesn't have money to feed their nicotine habits. I'm also fucking sick of the SSA because every week I get some friggin' cryptic piece of mail from them about what benefits they owe me and the next week what I owe them and all this bullshit. Grrrr. I want out! I can't move out yet though, because I'm not "stable" enough yet. I am feeling so irritable and sick waiting for the Synthroid to kick in and level out my thyroid so I don't feel like shit from it being too low. The side effects are interestingly enough just as bad as how I felt before I took any medicine for it. And of course, my brothers want to play their XBOX Live so I have to give up the effing internet for now...

struggle2live [userpic]

(no subject)

July 27th, 2009 (06:00 pm)
anxious

current mood: anxious

So, I had therapy today and my therapist has delivered the idea of me going to a state hospital (if I can't stay safe and get my act together). I am *extremely* opposed to this seeing as I've lived near the specific state hospital (since middle school) she's talking about. It is less than 5 minutes away from where I live. They also house child molesters, rapists, etc. on the campus that have mental illness. Not a really welcoming idea. I guess though that if I don't self harm I won't have to worry about being EP-ed to said place. I would have to be EP-ed to get there because there is no way in hell I will go willingly. I don't mind getting treatment, but I don't want to go somewhere where I probably won't walk out of again. <sigh> It is a small chance that I will have to go there but it is scaring the shit outta me. Anyways... I have to go and probably won't have time to write more later... blah.




<3 Mollie

struggle2live [userpic]

(no subject)

July 23rd, 2009 (12:25 pm)
bored

current mood: bored

I have therapy again tomorrow. I have to wait until Tuesday to figure out the whole thyroid thing, because my medical Dr. overschedules himself. It sucks because I want possible relief now (from the emotional part). I don't mind waiting for the minor physical complaint kinda crap. I'm bored as hell right now... I want to go drive somewhere but I doubt my mom would let me take the car out by myself. I have to change the dressing on my arm and I really dun wanna do that either, it always just rips open the wound every time I change it. Well, off to do nothingness...




-Mollie

struggle2live [userpic]

I'm home and I survived...

July 22nd, 2009 (04:29 pm)
contemplative

current mood: contemplative
current song: Rebel Girl- Bikini Kill


So, I just got back from an inpatient psych. stay yesterday. I took an overdose of 50 extra strength tylenol (on July 13th) and was on a medical floor (Intermediate care, step above ICU) for two days. It is a horrible thing to experience and if anyone is ever thinking of doing that kind of thing it is absolutely *dreadful*. I vomited for 6 straight hours in the ER, had to have a catheter and had so many IVs I couldn't keep track of them. The psych. unit did almost absolutely nothing to help me; I self harmed twice while there and they didn't really do crap about it. The psychiatrist there did not listen, or give a shit about any of his patients so long as he could shove them out the door as soon as possible. He tried to discharge me twice before ready; once even though I said I was having suicidal ideations, and another time when I had self harmed that day and also said I wished that the ambulance had never been called. I finally just pulled it together enough to get the hell out of there and get back to my outpatient team who can actually help me. I now am having severe difficulties with eating, seeing as how I was on a liquid diet for three/four days and am kinda traumatized from all the throwing up (the only reason I did mind the vomiting[and didn't find some sort of bulimic happiness from it] was because I had no control over it and it was just bile and was exhausting to heave for so many hours). I am now restricting like crazy and have a lot of anxiety after eating, even including panic attacks due to it. My liver is doing fine, luckily, and I am happy for that;having liver failure is not one of my aspirations. Emotionally things are kinda a mess. I go back and forth between feeling so lucky to be alive and then feeling like a failure (weird, I know..) because I couldn't even kill myself correctly. It's really hard. I'm also having a lot of problems with new parts, and their thoughts of the body being invicible and their attempts to push the limits. Anyhow, I'm home and alive.


-Mollie

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